“I gave 600 yuan [±90 US$] for my friend’s wedding, but my friend only gave me 200 yuan [±30 US$] when I got married.” It is an issue that triggered thousands of comments from Weibo netizens within a few hours after it was posted.
The text was originally posted on a Chongqing local forum, where a woman nicknamed ‘yoyo4444’ told how upset she was when she gave her friend 600 yuan [±90 US$] for her marriage, but only got 200 yuan [±30 US$] from her, and how she gave her 1000 yuan [148 US$] when her baby was born, but only received a fruit basket from that same friend when she had a baby herself.
“Am I thinking about this too much?” the woman asked: “Is it everyone’s own business how much they give?”
In China, it is tradition to give a ‘red envelope’ (红包 hóngbāo), a monetary gift, during big life events such as weddings or the baby’s One Month Party.
In weddings, the money is often used by the newlyweds (or their parents) to pay for the banquet bill.
“How do you feel about your friend giving you a lesser wedding gift than what you gave them?”
The issue was re-posted by various Chinese media accounts on Sina Weibo, with some posting a poll asking netizens: “How do you feel about your friend giving you a lesser wedding gift than what you gave them?”, with the following options:
A. This friend is not kind and honest.
B. Since it is a friend, it shouldn’t matter.
C. Perhaps it can be forgiven.
D. Hard to say.
At the time of writing, a staggering 64% of over 60.000 participants chose option A: if a friend would give them less money than they gave them, they would consider them not kind and not honest.
The issue received much attention on Chinese social media, where it struck a chord with many netizens who had experienced similar issues. “I just got married,” one netizen posted: “And I went through something similar. My friend got married 3 years earlier and I gave her 500 yuan [± 75 US$]. She only gave me 300 yuan [±45 US$] for mine.”
“It has nothing to do with how much money you earn.”
The majority of netizens feel that the exchange of monetary gifts between friends should be equal, no matter their individual financial capacity. “Proper behavior is based on reciprocity,” (“礼尚往来” lǐshàngwǎnglái) is what many netizens say.
Although there are some voices saying that people are not equal in how much they earn and that you cannot expect them to give you the same amount of money they give you, most commenters seem to agree that reciprocating a monetary gift of the same value or more is the right thing to do regardless of one’s financial situation: “If somebody gives you a certain amount, you give them the same amount back. It has nothing to do with how much money you earn. The gift you give is simply what the other person originally gave you.”
“Exchanging gifts is a sensitive issue – it involves expectations.”
On October 17, a journalist from Sina media contacted the original poster of the issue, named ‘Liu Han’ (pseudonym). She told the news site that she was 29 years old and that she was quite close to the friend, with whom she had shared a dorm room during college.
She also stated that the income of her friend was relatively high, and more or less the same as her own income. “I’ve given all of my former dorm mates who I am less close to 300 yuan [±45 US$] per person for their wedding. But she gave me 200 yuan [±30 US$] while I gave her 600 yuan [±90 US$]!”
When afterward her baby gift of 1000 yuan [148 US$] to her friend was returned with a fruit basket, she felt “disillusioned”, according to Sina.
Although Liu Han was planning to distance herself from her friend, she keeps on receiving phone calls and WeChat messages. “When it is about borrowing money, I have no problem with that, but exchanging gifts is a sensitive issue – it involves expectations.”
“The amount you give shows how much you value the relationship.”
According to Chinese sociologist Tan Gangqiang (谭刚强), there is more to ‘red envelope’ giving than just etiquette: “It also is a way of showing you care and wish someone well, and the amount you give shows how you value the relation.”
However, Tan also emphasizes: “You cannot determine the gift someone gives you in return (..), and its value depends on different things, and does not necessarily relate to how someone feels about your relationship. It is not a business transaction.”
“Aha, I see,” one netizen responds to the sociologist’s remarks: “It is clear that he is the ‘I-give-you-200-yuan’ type of person.”
“It’s easy,” another Weibo user remarks: “If you’re not in the financial position to give someone money as a return gift, then just do not spend the money they give you.”
– By Manya Koetse
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